One of Those Days

I don't know about you, but on occasion I have days where I just don't feel up to par.  These days it seems like things that I normally can deal with on a daily basis rub me the wrong way.  Today I was feeling selfish which is incredibly difficult for me to do.  When I try to be selfish, I end up getting angry and lashing out because I know things probably aren't going to change.  I will continue to be a caretaker who has difficulty being selfish and taking time for myself.  So today I felt sorry for myself and was angry that I have been taking care of other people for almost 40 years.  
When I was trying to nap and my husband was being too noisy, I got up and decided to take a walk.  The first thing I determined while walking is that I was going to make some thing for dinner tonight that I wanted (quinoa and black bean enchilada bake).  As I walked I was able to sort some things out in my head.  
I passed by the Evergreen Cemetery just outside of town and decided this would be a good day for that type of visit.  After wandering around and finding headstones that told me interesting stories in very few words, I happened upon the grave of a young girl who had been the daughter of our neighbor across the street.  I knew that she had lost a daughter to drowning at the age of 7, but this was the first time I saw her name and details of dates.  Not for away from her stone was another girl who was the same age and died the same day.  It dawned on me then that there had been two girls who drowned the same day.  
Tears welled up when I thought about this day that had started out like any other, but by the end of the day these two little girls were gone.  It made me also reflect upon the fact that people we meet every day have stories and pain that we don't know about.  They are way more than what we see so maybe it's a good idea to be kind.

Thought for the day:  Always be kind for every one is fighting some kind of battle.

Prolonged Detour

In July I posted about going back into the workplace, and at the time I thought it was temporary.  However, they liked me so much that I am now permanent.  It's a good place to work, and I am working 2-3 days a week.  With the current situation at the railroad, I know in my heart that I need to do this.  I also am aware that this job came along right when I needed it, and it nicely fulfills their needs and ours.  Who knows what the future holds and how long I will be there, but for now it is my reality so I make the best of it.  
So I now go confidently on a new path.

It's all good, right!

Thought for the day:  God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.    (always a good one!)

Tansy Mae

A couple weeks ago I was speaking to a friend about our new cat.  It seemed that it was a surprise to her, and she inquired as to whether I had blogged about it.  After thinking this over for awhile, I realized that the reason I had not blogged about her is because I didn't want to be disloyal to Henry.  I didn't want to put words out there that would verify that Henry was gone, and I had replaced him.

So here goes:  Our new cat is Tansy Mae.  Tansy is an herb with tiny yellow flowers that I have always enjoyed, and Mae was my mother and sister's middle name.  I decided an orange cat was in order to satisfy the memory of two lovely orange cats I had when growing up on the farm.   I searched Craigslist for awhile and finally decided it was time to once again have a cat in our home.
When I went to pick her up at her home, I found the place to be quite chaotic and basically a mess.  There were two small dogs running around, and Tansy didn't come when called.  We finally found her curled up sleeping on a chair.  She was not afraid to ride in the car which I found unusual for a cat.  She was quite skinny, and I wasn't sure if this was her normal build.  Now that she has been with us for about four months, she has filled out nicely.  

  I can now say I love her and she makes a nice addition to our home.  I know my love for her can never be what it was for Henry; he was a very special cat who fulfilled very special needs in my life.  I also now realize I don't have to give up that wonderful memory of Henry just because Tansy now has my love.
We still light a candle every Thursday evening for Henry as that is when we lost him.  The magnificent sunflowers and zinnias that surrounded his grave this summer were a testament to him.

No matter what life takes from us, we must go on.  

Thought for the day:  That last page turned is a perfect excuse to write a whole new book.  Toni Sorenson.

A Room with a View

In our home there is a small back room where I spend quite a bit of time.  It houses the television, books, children's toys, etc.  It is where Maxine and Tansy hang out with me.  It also has patio doors where I can view the backyard very nicely.  It is from this window that I watch the hummingbirds flit around, drink their nectar and often sit on the clothesline.    I can see the gardens, flowerbeds and sunflowers.  At times the squirrels sneak by the window in their quest for nuts, seeds or whatever.  The fairy garden is within view so I can watch fairy world all summer long.

Another thing I can see is a neighbor's backyard and their hammock.  I marvel at how much entertainment that hammock provides for this family.  During the school year, the kids are on it before they leave for the day.  After they leave, the mother comes out and spends time there.  When the mother has a friend over, they both sit on it.  Since it is always out in the elements, I am suspicious as to how it might smell, but it doesn't bother them.  

 I may not have a plush room overlooking the Eiffel Tower, Central Park or the crashing waves of the ocean, but I do see many delightful and interesting things from that tiny room here in Colfax, WI.

Thought for the day:  You can observe alot by just watching.   Yogi Berra

Inside Out

A week ago I was with Aria and Melody, and it was raining.  Therefore, I decided to take them to the movie. I am so glad that we went because not only was it one of the best movies I have ever seen, but during it a very memorable moment occurred.

We went to see Inside Out which Melody had already seen, and I had been wanting to see.  The theater has reclining seats so Mel, Aria and were very comfortable while eating our popcorn.  So the premise of the movie is giving us a peak into the brain and our emotions.  The emotions portrayed by characters are joy, sadness, fear, anger and disgust.  It is done very cleverly and in a way that you can relate to the different scenarios and reactions by the emotions.

As the movie goes on, joy and sadness get taken away from headquarters and are trying to find their way back.  Along the way, they met Bing Bong, who at one time was Riley's (the girl who houses the emotions) imaginary friend.  Of course, as she grew up, he was pushed to the side while other life events took over.  Bing Bong and joy eventually end up in the area of forgotten memories and work very hard to get out.  In the end, joy gets out but Bing Bong does not. You see him start to fade away, and he will be forever forgotten.  At this moment, I look over at Melody because I am crying, and she is crying, too.  She flies across Aria's seat to give me a big hug, and then Aria joins in.  So we had this amazing moment when time sort of stood still.  I think for Melody to understand the significance of things lost as time goes by is wonderful, and for me it reminded me of all the losses in my own life and how at some point in the future, Melody and Aria will be grown up.  Going places with Baba will be a thing of the past. Also, we learned that sadness is an important emotion, and we should allow sadness at times and not try to be always joyful.  Deep stuff came out of what could have been a simple kid's movie.
I applaud the writers and all those involved in this film.  It was darn good.

Thought for the day:  A memory is what is left when some thing happens and does not completely unhappen.  Edward de Bono

Please don't go!

First of all, let me say that today is one of the most gorgeous summer days in my memory.  The temperature is perfect, the sky is blue, there is a slight breeze, and we still have flowers and vegetables to admire.
On Labor Day I spent a few hours sitting by the river reading and contemplating the end of another summer.  I wanted to shout and ask summer not to leave us. As I watched the river continuously flowing, I knew in my heart there was no way to stop summer from going any more than I could stop loved ones from leaving.  I thought of my parents, my sister and other relatives no longer with me, and once again nature seemed to mirror life.
I know that summer will once again arrive just as sure that I know that fall, winter and spring will come and go.  However, as I watch the hummingbirds darting about, the monarchs sailing through the air, the majestic sunflowers, wispy cosmos and vibrant zinnias, it occurs to me that next summer won't be exactly like this one.  The next season will be totally different and therefore, there is no guarantee the hummingbirds will return or the flowers will be as lush.

Here are a few highlights of the summer of 2015:

                         Brian got his ham radio equipment set up (finally)

                                     Picked some yummy strawberries with grandkids

                        Buddy came for a visit and loved the countryside

                            Fairy garden keeps getting better each year

                       Said goodbye to my red bug with Aubree and Ethan

                            Visited Sue and had a marvelous bike ride 

                            Finally able to grow some beautiful zinnias

                                     Pool time with the grandkids

                                Lots of luscious tomatoes this year

So you see why it's difficult to say goodbye to such a wonderful summer because it was a good one!

Thought for the day:  When summer gathers up her robes of glory, and like a dream, glides away.      Sarah Helen Whitman

True Meaning of Success

If one were to base their definition of a successful person on what is seen and heard in advertising, movies, television, etc, not very many of us would feel like a success.   I prefer to base my level of success on a writing by Ralph Waldo Emerson.  If I go by the following, it would seem I am doing alright!

This has been on my refrigerator since the day I found it, and I refer to it often in order to keep out the noise from the world that wants me to feel like a failure.  So next time you are doubting whether or not you matter, compare yourself to Emerson's definition of success, not that of society.

Detour on My Journey

 Well, after almost three years away from the workplace, I started a temporary position about two weeks ago.  Due to my husband's work hours being down and my need for a different car, it seemed the only rational way to deal with current issues.  I have to admit it was a bit serendipitous that about the same time I started looking for either a very part time position or a temporary situation, an eye clinic posted an ad looking for some one to cover a maternity leave.  So while I drag my feet every day I go, I am at the same time grateful to be doing some thing I know and also know it won't be forever.  At least I didn't end up working at McDonalds or housekeeping at a motel.  Not that I look down on these places of employment at all; it's just not the place for me.

I am keenly aware of how nice it was to get up every day with the knowledge that I was in control of my choices.  Now when I have a day off, I cherish every single moment.  I love being able to go back to bed since I am an early riser.  I love having time to read or work outside in the garden.  I love doing things at my own pace.

Slowly I am getting back in the groove of doing things in the evening or morning before I leave.  So far I have still been able to put my clothes on the line before I go to work; just have to check the weather to make sure they won't get soaked.  

Right now three months seems like a long time, but in my life experience I know it will come and go very quickly and hopefully I can be back doing what I love the most.

Thought for the day:  I put all my genius into life, I put only my talent into my works.  Oscar Wilde

The Month of May

It's May, and I have a little more bounce in my step and happiness in my soul. May is absolutely my favorite month of the year.  I was born in May, but that has little to do with why I love it. I do, however, feel a bit blessed to know I arrived in this world during this most wonderful time of year.   It just seems to be almost perfect in that the temperature is warm, but not too warm; the early flowers are blooming and other plants are beginning to pop from the Earth; once again clothes are snapping in the wind as they hang on the clothesline, and the gloriously fresh breezes are wafting through the house.  Can it get any better than that?

Once again the backyard is filled with birds, and you can hear them singing from dawn to dusk.  Yesterday I saw my first hummingbird, and this morning there was an oriole attempting to drink from the hummingbird feeder.  The robins are hopping around searching for worms, and the mourning doves beautiful coo can be heard.  Life has once more come to give us pause and marvel at the beauty of nature.

Thought for the day:  "What potent blood hath modest May.  Ralph Waldo Emerson

Connecting generations

A few months ago my granddaughter, Melody, was supposed to dress up for school.  She knew I had a pioneer dress that I had gotten in 1976 for the bicentennial.  She decided to dress as Laura Ingalls Wilder, an author that I have loved since I was very young.  I read all her books several times.  So I got the dress delivered, and it just melted my heart to see her in it.  Melody seems to share my longtime interest in pioneer life.

Above is a photo of me wearing the dress in 1976 and Melody in 2014.

In my quest for simplicity and minimalism, I have gotten rid of a few things. Therefore, I am sure glad I saved this dress.

Thought for the day:  It's surprising how much memory is built around things unnoticed at the time   Barbara Kingsolver

Love Hurts and Heals

Last evening we lost our beloved Henry.  He was hit by a car while crossing the busy road in front of our house.  Deep down we knew this day might come, but our brains have a way of denying the truth.
Our last day together is quite vivid which makes me feel good.  He spent quite a bit of time on my lap and snuggled up to me while I was using the computer.  At one point, we looked into each other's eyes.  It was a moment I will cherish always.
You see, Henry wasn't just a cat; he was magic.  He happened upon us at a time when we needed each other.  I had recently lost my sister, and he was struggling a bit to make it in the wild.  So we became friends, and at some point he decided I was trustworthy enough to enter our home.  He knew he was loved enough that we wouldn't hold him captive and so he became an indoor/outdoor cat.  Every time I let him out, I knew he may not come back, but I loved him so much that keeping him in wasn't an option.  He thoroughly loved being outside; it gave him purpose, but he was just as happy to soak up the sun as it penetrated the dining room rug.  He was somewhat like a dog in that he followed me and wanted to be in our space.  He adored our dog, Maxine, and even though Maxine would nip at him on occasion, he never gave up.  They ended up snuggling many times.

He wasn't just a cat; he was a messenger.  He taught us hope, love and how to trust.  He taught us that even though our time together might be brief, that doesn't diminish the depth of the love and bond.  As I take in the void today and occasionally think I might see his sweet face at the patio door, I am able to function quite well because we had a phenomenal relationship.  I realize now that it was the most pure and complete love I have ever experienced.  It was a relationship in which there were no regrets because I never took him for granted.  I took every opportunity to stroke him and tell him he was loved.  There was no resentments and no what ifs.  So because it was so blessedly complete, it seems much easier to let go.  

He had many nicknames.....I called him Flotsam because he would come in with various items hanging from his fur.....he was referred to as the Gray Flash because he could often be seen darting around the yard after different animals.  Brian called him my boyfriend because he knew how much I loved him.  He would often sit by the patio door and watch the backyard; I would walk by and ask him if he was watching cat TV.  Today Brian said that Henry made gray the most beautiful color in the world, and that is not easy to do!
So once again we experience loss; the longer you live, and the harder you love equates to more grief.  On the other hand, not one fiber of me would give up one moment with our magic cat.

Thought for the day:  "It is a fearful thing to love what death can touch."

Relationships

Is there any thing more complicated than relationships?  They are vital to life itself and contribute to the survival of the human species.  I am noticing that as I become older, relationships aren't as easy for me to begin or maintain.  My tendency is towards being an introvert so I have always had just a handful of really good friends.  That is all I could handle because in my world, relationships must be deep.  I don't do casual friendships or small talk very well.  Now with aging and an energy level that is not up to youthful standards, my friend list has dwindled to about three.  Of course, I have my family that I love and care for deeply.  With the advent of grandchildren, those relationships have become more my focus.  

I have a handful of friends that I see maybe once or twice a year.  We mostly have history in common more than any thing current.  There are a couple of friendships that I consider strained and almost feel like some thing I carry around that should be let go.  

Romantic relationships are the most complicated of all.  They start out full of promise and giddiness.  Then you begin to add children, financial issues, fatigue, aging, sickness, etc, and things don't seem as rosy.  It is at this point that you have to let go of what was and work with what is.  When a couple can't shift and move on in growth together, that is when the deck of cards falls.  When I consider how difficult it is to maintain a relationship, it seems amazing that so many do survive.  In the past, couples were focused more on survival and children were necessary to help with that survival.  Now we have moved past that and have more expectations.  This adds to the difficulty of a relationship surviving when those expectations aren't met.  It seems that you really don't know a person until you have lived with them, and I have found that to be totally true.  

At this stage, I am happy with my small list of friends and my wonderful family.  I want to invest my time and energy in what I have instead of going out into the world looking for new friends.  I just don't feel like I need them.  It's great to have reached a stage where I can say that is okay and embrace the introvert that I am!

Thought for the day:  Relationship is an art. The dream that two people create is more difficult to master than one. ~Don Miguel Ruiz

Gratitude

There has been quite a bit written lately about the importance of gratitude.  If you deliberately attempt to embrace gratitude on a daily basis, it is supposed to promote happiness.  Instead of making any resolutions when the calendar turned to 2015, I decided to have a gratitude jar.  There are also gratitude journals in which you list up to five things every day for which you are grateful.  I decided it would be good to see the jar as I go about my day so it would jog my thoughts of gratitude.

I must admit that some days it can be difficult to come up with a concrete thing to add to the jar; especially on cold winter days.  If you can't come up with some thing new, there is always health, family and life itself.

Thought for the day:  Gratitude is not the only the greatest of virtues, but the parent of all others.   Cicero

Cemeteries

Some people may think it strange or morbid, but I enjoy walking through cemeteries.  First of all, they are peaceful and quiet.  Finding a place with those qualities these days can be difficult.  Secondly, I feel a connection to the past as I read all the names of those no longer among the living.  Even if I don't know the names, it's intriguing to put together a story of what may have happened.  As you pass old markers etched with the names of babies and young children,  you begin to clearly see how extremely fragile life was before the advent of antibiotics and modern medicine.

There was a cemetery within walking distance of the farm where I grew up, and many times over the years I would wander through the graveyard.  This past summer when I was in the area, I stopped there and took photos of particular gravestones that had caught my interest in the past.  The passing of time was shown by how many more familiar names I now saw as I passed the graves of the people who held an important place in my formative years.

This gravestone was one that has held my interest for many years.  It is a simple statement made by a family that apparently had few resources.  Despite that, it is evident there was love.

                                         OLE AND OLENA LUND

The second stone that I always visited when I strolled through the cemetery was one that came with a story.   The postmaster and his wife married later in life, and they had one child.  She was a daughter who was named Lillie.  When she was 14, she died after riding her bike on a hot summer day.  Apparently, she was extremely hot and drank quite a bit of very cold water.  As you could imagine, this was devastating for this couple.  They closed the door to her bedroom and left it as it was.  

On several of our trips, we have stopped at cemeteries.  On the East coast, the dates of death were often in the early 1800s or even late 1700s.  Of course, one of my favorites was Henry David Thoreau and Louise Mae Alcott.  The most famous one we visited was Pere Lachaise  in Paris.   There we saw small houses built for the dead with magnificent sculptures and artwork.  

So that is my story about why you can often find me wandering around amongst the headstones.

Thought for the day:  The only real equality is in the cemetery.  German proverb