Do Blonds Have More Fun?

Last weekend my daughter colored my hair for me (part of my plan of saving money).  We decided we should try some thing a bit darker in order to look more natural and have a better starting point for future changes. Now having to deal with gray hair makes it more difficult to find a natural look.  It was tough for me because I have been blond most of my life so it's part of my identity.
When I was about 17 and coming out of an ugly duckling stage in life, I got contact lenses and lightened my hair.  It seemed to be an overnight change of direction in my life.  I felt better about myself and did seem to have more fun.  For quite awhile I would often be referred to as the cute little blond. 
So to say goodbye to that along with no longer being able to wear contact lenses due to dry eyes, can't wear mascara because my eyes are sensitive and no longer am referred to as "little"....all these things I must let go.  It's the process of aging and it seems none of us want to release our hold on youth.  Guess subconsciously we know the ultimate outcome of old age, and we don't want to go.
So far only a couple people have noticed the change in my hair so perhaps it's just me that has that "cute little blond" image in my head. 
Thought for the day:  As we grow older......the beauty steals inward.  Ralph Waldo Emerson

Invasion

Today begins day seven of my body having been invaded by some horrific virus.  I felt the need to chronicle it so when it goes away and normalcy returns, I will not forget to be grateful.
My husband had it first and watching him, I knew it was bad.  However, until my first hand experience with it, I had no idea.  It began with a sore throat and slight cough along with extreme achiness, especially in those body parts that might normally hurt.  On day two came the fever and chills which lasted for about three days.  Then came an increased intensity in the cough along with severe sinus congestion.  If that were not enough, I had three days of neuralgia on the right side of my head.  Neuralgia is "nerve pain" and consists of sharp jolts of pain (almost like an electric shock) that follows a nerve.  So about every 1-2 minutes, you experience a jolt which after a few days just about drives you insane.
This condition seems to run in my family as I remember my mother telling me about her father lying on the bed with a hot water bottle as he moaned and groaned.  Two of my aunts, my mother and my sister have also had bouts of it.
Also experienced was an intense ringing of my ears which made it seem the room was full of bells.  One day when I closed my eyes, I saw what appeared to be large fragments of broken glass showering down.  The next day, when my eyes were closed I saw a rapid succession of different faces of people that I didn't know.  They were constant and almost like one morphing into the next.  How do these things happen??
Yesterday I went to the clinic and got antibiotics and an inhaler which so far do not seem to have provided much relief.  Another disturbing side effect is that I have NO sense of smell at all.  I can bury my nose in a jar of Vicks or attempt to smell coffee and there is nothing.  I sincerely hope this returns soon because it's a vital component of life.
So there you have a rundown of my past week.  I am beginning to wonder if I will ever be normal again.  If and when I do reach that state, I will return to this post to remember to be grateful for health and well being as it truly is a great gift.
Thought for the day:  Our first wealth is health.  Ralph Waldo Emerson

The Lottery of Life

I have played the lottery a few times in my life but haven't won any thing than perhaps my $1 back or maybe $5.   It certainly isn't some thing I do on a regular basis, and even when I buy a ticket, I really don't expect to win.

With my time off from work, I have been reading more and watching some very interesting documentaries. Over the past few days I watched Half the Sky which is about oppression of women around the globe.  After watching this, it occurred to me that I had won the lottery of life.

The portrayal of girls as young as five being sold to brothels where they are used and beaten, the story of countries in Africa where the rape and beating of women is thought to be normal and the practice of female genital mutilation which is tradition and still done to 130 million girls a year.  I don't see myself as better than these women; just had the feeling that on the ladder of life, I got lucky.
Being born a white female in the Midwestern United States during the 20th century most certainly was a lucky break. Granted, if I had been born in a previous time, even in the United States, I would have not had the right to vote.  I also could not have owned property; I would have been my husband's property.  This does not mean that my life has been perfect, but in comparison, I have had a remarkable chance at a good life.
My heart breaks for these girls and women and if it were in my power to make it all go away, I would.  There are some small breakthroughs occurring, and women are becoming more empowered.  Perhaps in the next fifty years, these atrocities can be reversed.  It's important that we are educated about the reality of what others around the globe must contend with.
As for the lottery, I think I'm done buying tickets.  I have already won.
Thought for the day:  He who allows oppression, shares the crime.    Erasmus

The Times, They are a changing

One thing that is constant in life is change.  It seems that as human beings, we are not quite in tune to that fact.  Perhaps it is a survival technique we use to protect ourselves from the inevitable.  As we go about our day to day existence, there is a feeling that it's always going to be this way, however, if we look at the history of our lives, we know this isn't true.

My own life has been through many changes in the last few years.  On the scale that is used to determine impact on your psyche, mine would rate fairly high.  The following is a list of those changes:  divorce, remarriage, loss of both parents, children left home, became a grandparent, changed jobs, and moved.

Other changes I have experienced throughout my life have been a total turnabout.  When I was younger, I loved summer.  I was somewhat of a beach bum, loved the heat and laying in the sun.  Now I look forward to fall and winter and seem to embrace the cold.
From the time I was born, regular church attendance was a part of my life.  I started out as a Lutheran but changed course at about age 32 at which time I headed to a nondenominational church.  About ten years ago, I realized that Unitarianism fit me the best and now church attendance is no longer a part of my life.  So it has been a spiritual journey and now nature is where I feel the closest to God.
The latest change that has occurred is the giving up of meat.  I grew up on a hog farm, and eating meat at almost every meal was how I was raised.  As time went on, I noticed that while I still ate meat, it was less than previously.  Recently, I watched two documentaries.  The first was called "Fresh" and showed how animals are mistreated and where our meat actually comes from; the second was called "Forks over Knives" and documented the health issues of eating meat.  It focused on patients that were able to get off all their meds and have their diabetes, heart disease and high blood pressure virtually go away.

So I am now approaching my third week of not eating meat, and it's going very well.  I don't miss it at all and have found that it also makes you more aware and conscious of every thing you eat. It causes mindfulness.

So really nothing ever stays the same, even though we may think it does.

Thought for the day:  When you are finished changing, you are finished.   Benjamin Franklin

Thoughts on Walden

I am currently working my way through Thoreau's Walden, and it's definitely not the "can't put it down" type.  However, loving him and his ideas as I do, there is no choice but to do it.  As I am reading his descriptions of moving away from society and making his home in the woods around Walden Pond for two years, I can just feel the solitude and serenity.  As I look at the blazing colors of autumn that are abundant right now, I can almost hear him walking through the woods and hear the crunching of the leaves. 

He talks about not being lonesome; if you can become one with the nature that surrounds you, one need not be lonesome.  If you can become one with the universe that envelopes us, there is companionship in that.  I tend to be an introvert, a loner, one that can't seem to handle extended time with noise and people.  So for me, the thought of living deliberately away from the constraints of society, sounds like paradise.  I love days that just unfold, ones that have no agenda. 

 

I would rather sit on a pumpkin all by myself than be crowded on a velvet cushion

Henry David Thoreau

 

 

 

 

 Thought for the day:  I went to the woods because I wished to live deliberately, to front only the essential facts of life and see if I could not learn from what it had to teach, and not, when I came to die, discover that I had not lived.       Henry David Thoreau

The Scars of Life

Last week as I was driving home from Minnesota, I was contemplating my car.  I drive a red 1999 VW Beetle that has seen its share of bumps and bruises.  My first thought was that most people would be uncomfortable driving a vehicle that isn't perfect, but it doesn't bother me.  In fact, I generally like the imperfections of life.  My suspicions are aroused by people or things that seem perfect.  As a realist, I know that nothing is perfect.  There are no perfect people, relationships, jobs, friends, homes, etc.  Once we embrace that idea, it allows for the freedom to just accept and enjoy, rather than attempt to fix or change.

You can look at a car, a piece of furniture or a human being and see the scars that life can bring.  Having spent quite a bit of time lately with babies and young children, you can just see the newness and lack of wear that life brings.  In contrast, I think of my parents and the way they changed through aging and how I am now doing the same.  We all have inner and outer scars that make us who we are, and without those imperfections, we would be stagnant.  It's the way the world is supposed to work; for every thing there is a season. 
If you look at nature, there is a definite cycle.  This cycle also applies to humans, and unfortunately our society does not allow for that perfect cycle.  It pushes staying  young, looking young through unnatural means.  It makes me very suspicious.

Thought for today:  A beautiful thing is never perfect

Understanding The Journey

Last week I posted just a simple sentence that my blog was on hold due to lack of confidence.  It was meant to be sort of a joke.  I was surprised when two of my daughters seemed upset that I wouldn't be blogging any longer.  It made me feel like what I am saying and doing is actually worthwhile.  Therefore, my confidence has been once again boosted. 
I am back from another week helping with the care of my grandchildren in Brainerd, MN.  This is my first week since quitting my job two months ago that I will actually be home all week.  This morning was spent decluttering and organizing "stuff" that was moved from our home in Minnesota.  We have been here almost a year, and it's about time to get that done.

One of the things I have pondered that has made me find confidence again is that this is a journey; not an instant dream come true.  The Thoreau quote states go confidently in the direction of your dreams.  I realized that is exactly what I am doing.  Not every thing will fall into place exactly the way I intend, but I have to hold on to confidence despite any setbacks.  If I take a couple steps backwards, it is okay.  The point is to keep going.

Part of my journey is learning to embrace who I am which includes my beliefs and disbeliefs.
Our book club recently read Cutting For Stone which contains some lovely thoughts and ideas.  The one that stood out for me was this:  The key to your happiness is to own your own slippers, own who you are, own how you look, own your family, own the talents you have, and own the ones you don't.  If  you keep saying your slippers aren't yours, then you'll die searching, you'll die bitter, always feelings you were promised more.  Not only our actions, but also our omissions, become our destiny.

So at this point in my life I am trying to "own my own slippers" which can be a constant struggle if we allow ourselves to be swayed and influenced by the big world out there.

blog currently on hold due to lack of confidence    HA

Oh, Confidence, Where Are Thou?

This past week I seem to have been grappling with hanging on to confidence. Perhaps it is due to the change of seasons which always brings on a touch of depression (especially summer to fall). There is also the issue of my husband's job and the current and possible future lack of overtime. This has put him in a mood of gloominess which surrounds me like a cloud of smoke. Whatever the reason, there has been a struggle this week for me to remain confident.
Thinking of Henry David and his wisdom has helped, but I also realize that his pursuit of happiness and following dreams was nicely funded with the help of Ralph Waldo Emerson. In that time period, he also didn't have to wrestle with so many places that want your money. He could live simply without automobiles, insurance, licenses, telephones, utilities, etc.
Today we are leaving town for a week of vacation which will be spent in Minnesota visiting friends and relatives and hopefully not spending alot of money but attempting to keep it simple.
Good news is that the renter sent a check covering the rent until the end of the year. So we know it will work until January.
A bright spot was yesterday morning as I sat on the deck reading a book, I glanced up to see a hummingbird drinking nectar from my red geraniums. It was a brief encounter of maybe 20 seconds, but it gave me such much joy and hope. It was the lesson once again that we don't need much to make us happy; that tiny little creature brought me back to believing that dreams can come true.

And The Dream Goes On

Today marks one month since leaving the workplace. I haven't been bored for one moment and also haven't had one full week at home yet. Been traveling Grandma and was able to return to hometown for book club.

While in Alexandria, I felt a need to visit my roots. Drove the back roads of the area where I grew up and visited two cemeteries. The first was where my parents and several family members are buried, and the second has a few family members but mostly just familiar names that were part of my past. The images of my childhood were vivid as I put faces with the names and remembered the parts they played. The graveyard encompasses an old country church that didn't have running water when I first used to visit it. I can remember the Ladies Aid raising funds in order to have a "modern" kitchen and real bathrooms added, and this was in the 1970s.

At that time I seemed to be the only young person that stuck around, and the older ladies really appreciated me. I used to play the piano for some occasions and rarely did a piano solo for a meeting. Seems like a popular tune I used to do was "In The Garden".

Yesterday I gave myself permission to not only take two naps but to stay in bed for an extra couple hours in order to finish reading a book. It seems I find myself having inner discussions in regard to how much there is to be done and convincing myself there will be time to do it.

Here is a quote from the book that I found most true when it comes to forgiveness and letting go: "But it's not that easy." "Oh, but my treasure, it is so much less exhausting. You only have to forgive once. To resent, you have to do it all day, every day. You have to keep remembering all the bad things." "I would have to make a list, a very, very long list and make sure I hated the people on it the right amount. That I did a very proper job of hating, too: Very Teutonic! No, we always have a choice."

What Did I Learn? I choose to remember the good in life, the good in people. We all have made unwise choices and decisions, we all have shortfalls and weaknesses. But we all have strengths, as well. It's all part of our journey and lays the way for our dreams.

Home Again Home Again Jiggity Jig

I have completed my first week in Minnesota tending to grandchildren and hopefully giving my daughter a small break from the difficulty of raising a 23 month old and a 4 month old.

Before I left town, I made sure my husband had food, a menu and a couple checklists for the morning and evening. Our black lab, Maxine, accompanied me as my husband was going to be out of town for the weekend. Maxine does not like to ride in cars; she is not a typical dog in that way. She stands at attention in the front seat for the entire trip, panting the whole time.

On my way, I stopped to visit my daughter, Olivia and granddaughter, Aria. We had lunch together, took a short walk and visited awhile. It also gave Maxine a short break from the car.

I arrived in Brainerd in time for dinner and spent some time with the kiddos. The next morning I began learning the daily routine. Ethan is refusing to take a bottle so we were hoping to remedy that while I was there, but no go. It is causing a bit of stress because Momma has to go back to work soon. Aubree was 90% sweet and 10% acting her approaching two year old status.

Overall, it was a wonderful experience. It was nice to be able to connect with Ethan and learn his personality and be BaBa to Aubree. When I return next month, perhaps Ethan will be loving that bottle??!

We had the awesome opportunity to see a Barnstormers Tour at the Brainerd Airport, and my daughter and son-in-law took a ride in an open cockpit biplane. It was a once in a lifetime experience. BaBa was left on the ground to assure Aubree that her parents would be returning because she freaked out. She loved the airplanes but not when the occupants were Mommy and Daddy. BaBa sort of enjoyed the Clark Gable look alike pilot.

Renter update: We received a check, however, it was half the amount of the monthly rent because he thought we should collect the other half from the jilted lover who was also on the lease. Well, when I am pursuing a dream, don't get in my way! I contacted him with the news that that was his issue, not ours, so he should collect from her. He was told that if a check for the balance did not arrive in a certain amount of time, we would find some one who could honor the lease, and the house would be back on the market pronto. He responded that a check would be coming so the drama continues. I am considering it my new part time job to keep Mr. Renter on his toes.

What did I learn today?

Most barnstorming shows followed a typical pattern. On any
given day, a pilot, or team of pilots, would fly over a small rural town and
attract the attention of the local inhabitants. The pilot or team of aviators
would then land at a local farm (hence the name "barnstorming") and negotiate
with the farmer for the use of one of his fields as a temporary runway from
which to stage an air show and offer airplane rides to customers. After
obtaining a base of operation, the pilot or group of aviators would fly back
over the town, or "buzz" the village, and drop handbills offering airplane rides
for a small fee, usually from one to five dollars. The advertisements would also
tout the daring feats of aerial daredevilry that would be offered. Crowds would
then follow the airplane, or pack of planes, to the field and purchase tickets
for joy rides. The locals, most of whom had never seen an airplane up close,
were thrilled with the experience. For many rural towns, the appearance of a
barnstormer or an aerial troop on the horizon was akin to declaring a national
holiday; almost everything in the town would shut down at the spur of the moment
so that people could purchase plane rides and watch the show.

Confidence Shaken; Not Destroyed

Just a bit of background on how we ended up living in Wisconsin and having two homes. My husband worked for the BNSF Railroad for 17 years and then about 2 1/2 years ago; he lost the job. It was a union job so the wages and benefits were substantial. After being unemployed for 1 1/2 years, he obtained a new railroad job that was non union but did get him back into the railroad retirement system. It is a Minnesota based company that has a Northern WI line so about a year ago, he began working for them out of Chippewa Falls. He would work there all week and come home on weekends. Ultimately, I had a gut feeling that this was no way to live and since my children were grown, and my parents were no longer living, we didn't belong in Alexandria any more. We put our Alexandria home up for sale and bought a house in Wisconsin and moved here in November 2011. In June of this year we rented our Alexandria home which gave us some financial breathing room; a lease was signed until the end of 2012.

This past Friday I decided to contact the lady living in the house because the August rent check had not arrived. She responded by stating in her e-mail: "He threw me out in July so he could move in his pregnant girlfriend, so contact him." This may not seem so unusual except for the fact that she had lived in Arizona her entire life, and he moved her here (and all her stuff) in June. They were engaged and planned a Hawaiian wedding. I stopped there early July to get more of our things, and nothing seemed amiss at that time. So to get this news along with the fact that no rent check has been received was very unnerving. It really shook my confidence in humanity and made me briefly question my recent decision to follow my dreams.

We will deal further with it this coming week, but in the meantime I am feeling more grounded again and intend to continue on my path and not let this type of person have power over me.

He has caused enough damage to this poor woman and who knows how much damage he will cause the current woman; I do not need to be included in his toll.

What I learned today: It is nothing from history or philosophy; it is that there are many unhealthy people in this world. Alot of things are not what they seem.

Day Two

Yesterday I took two naps and just enjoyed the fact that I didn't have to do it all in one day because I had lots more days!

Today I did yoga, tried Pilates and took a nap. Then I switched our cell phone plan to one that will ultimately be $60 less a month. There were some up front costs, but in the long run it should be better. Tonight I decided to try a new meal, and it was a big hit. It was stir fry beef and pea pods. I added some bean sprouts as well and made homemade egg rolls. It was so lovely to take my time and enjoy every step rather than feeling rushed and exhausted. If I had worked my regular day, I would not have been home until 6:30 p.m. I was able to take a walk this evening with my husband and dog, Maxine.

Tomorrow I hope to stay home and get started on some cleaning and organizing projects.

What I learned today: John Wilkes Booth, the man who shot Abraham Lincoln, was the son of the most famous actor in America at the time. John was also an actor but not as successful. He was born in the North but due to spending a great deal of time in the South while acting, he became a sympathizer for the South. When Lincoln was re-elected for a second term, he felt that all was lost so he hatched a plan. Presidents had no protection at that time and often went out on their own. When he planned a night at the theatre, Booth had no problem gaining access to his theatre box. Lincoln was carried across the street to a boarding house where he died a few hours later. Booth hid for several days but was ultimately caught and shot to death. His last words were: " tell my mother I died for my country". Lincoln's body was taken cross country by train with stops in Philadelphia and New York before the final destination of Illinois. His wife, Mary, was too distraught to even accompany the body or attend the ceremony. His son, Willie, who had died earlier was disinterred and he was also on the train and was buried along with Lincoln.

And so it begins

Today is my first day away from the workplace as I attempt to move in the direction of my dreams. My blog title is taken from a Henry David Thoreau quote which has given me the confidence to try some thing new in an effort to find happiness. I am very intrigued with Thoreau, Emerson and the Alcotts. We made an East Coast trip a couple years ago and visited Walden Pond (my cover photo), Emerson and Alcott homes and their grave sites.

My goal is to stay away from a real job for at least one year. If it works well, I sincerely hope to never have to go back to a regular job. I am now 53 years old and fully realize the fragility of life and how quickly it can change or be gone. Therefore, I want to live the life that most fits my desires and one that will bring me the most fulfillment.

I find myself feeling truly alive when I am working around the house, cooking, tidying, gardening, reading and napping. So this is what I want to do with my life along with spending quality time with my family. I plan to cut expenses wherever possible and make it part of my job to simplify and make do. I will use my time to be creative in that manner. I also plan to spend one week a month in Brainerd MN helping my daughter and son-in-law with their two children and housework.

I hope to learn new things and will share them on my blog. Below is a list of my goals:

1. Do yoga

2. Walk

3. Read

4. Meditate

5. Rest

6. Clean

7. Organize

8. Enjoy nature

9. Love and Nurture

10. Breathe

Please join me on this journey and hopefully I can encourage more people to follow their dreams.

What I learned today: The game of croquet in its current form seems to have arrived on the scene in the 1860s. It is based on the games of chess and pool; there are currently around 200 croquet clubs in the United States.